Finding Stillness

I’ve been thinking a lot about stillness this month. 

My life feels like a series of snapshots that end up moving in a chaotic fashion. Every day is pretty structured, but do I ever get time to be still? I mean, really still. With a three year old and a one year old? Most of the time I am keeping up with diapers and deadlines. There’s not much stillness in my life. 

When I chose to do this challenge of knitting strictly from my stash this year, I didn’t realize that it would bring stillness. I haven’t taken great care of my yarn since we’ve moved. I haven’t had time to browse, to smell, to feel the skeins and hanks. In the time I’ve had, I’ve noticed myself going to the closet where my stash is stored and just looking. Admiring. I may have accumulated my stash out of a state of sadness, but each piece still holds a bit of love. Each piece has a purpose. 

I‘ve had many moments of discontent where I wish I had more sweater quantities, more naturally dyed, more fingering weight, more worsted- exc. 

But for the most part, I love my stash. I love the opportunity to make something beautiful out of nothing. That was probably the point of all the purchases in the first place. In my postpartum haze, I needed something tangible to create. To show that I have purpose. 

That’s what we find in the stillness. After the anxiety, the disappointment, and discontent fade away there is our purpose. We belong just because we exist. Nothing more. We can create something magical out of the loose threads of our lives. 

It’s agony for me to slow down and be still. I continuously want to move forward- to find success in busyness. I’ve never found success in that. So I must learn to be still. 

Spruce Knits Stash Project Week 2: Thoughts on Boredom.

This is supposed to be the prompt for week two, but if you can count, and I know that you can, knit nerds, we’re well into week 3 at this point. 

That’s how boring I feel lately. 

I think a lot of my problems with my stash is that I want to lead a more exciting life. I’ve mentioned this before on my other blogs, that if you could describe me in a color, that color would be beige. So freaking beige. 

Sometimes I look at my stash and project those feelings of being bored with my life onto it and it becomes uninspiring. Like there’s nothing there to create. 

Have you ever fell for the idea that your stash or your life is boring? How do you deal with it? Do you notice when you’re bored with your stash or is it some other “ugh” feeling? 

While, I want a more exciting life, the thought about it kind of terrifies me. If I am honest here. Having an exciting multifaceted life means being more vulnerable. It means practicing what I preach. It means that I need to acknowledge that my boredom comes from within me and there’s no reason for being bored. It means moving from a place of scarcity into a place of enough. Being bored is no excuse to not create. Being bored is the perfect time to open up your mind to create with what you already have. 

I had a poetry professor tell us once, “If you aren’t creating, you’re consuming.” I’ve noticed this in my life. It’s true for me. Feeling bored is a great fork in the road between creating or consuming. The only way to cure boredom is to move. You either move toward creation, using your mind and your abilities to make something amazing; or you move toward consumption, going out and acquiring and acquiring.

Consuming is like drinking alcohol, it can be nice in limited quantities, but too much can be deadly. If we don’t check our consumption of things they can burry us. We need to make sure that we don’t try to burry our feelings with things. Our collections need to be intentional and have purpose. 

Stash boredom can be real. I’ve felt it before, and now I have too much yarn to handle. I am still bored with my stash, but this year it’s about what I am going to do with that boredom. Am I going to accept what I have and create something fabulous, or get caught up with mindless consumption of things to make up for the fact that I feel bored about things? 

Spruce Knits Stash Project (SKSP): Investigating our Shame.

If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.

— Brene Brown: Daring Greatly

Like it or not, we tend to have a bit of shame when we think of our stash. Just listen to the self-degrading language we use at the yarn store:  “Don’t let my husband/wife see me buying these” “I have a special closet where he/she can’t see it” “Im going to have to hide this for later”. What is wrong with buying yarn? Why should we have any sense of shame for having a passion, and why isn’t our stash good enough? We are spending (a lot) of money but not appreciating the purchase when it’s over. 

If we aren’t careful, the shame monster can get out of control. 

For me, Shame is a big word. It’s a dark cloud that gets heavy when I feel like I’ve stepped out of line. I grew up with Shame. It was a close companion. I remember being teased being emotional by my family. I didn’t have the ability to realize that they were teasing me and that was how they show love, all I knew was that I was being told that I was being silly, and then I felt a new thing: shame. It soon got bad enough that I developed anxiety. I was super young, think elementary school, and I didn’t know that I was experiencing anxiety. I just knew that there were people that made me feel shame, and I couldn’t make them happy. I once had a computer teacher that had a reputation for being “hard” I developed ulcers to avoid this class because I couldn’t handle the shame. When I would get yelled at by my mother, I would self discipline and make her disciplines harder on myself. If she punished me to cleaning the kitchen, I was on my hand and knees picking up the dust by hand. If we aren’t careful, the shame monster can get out of control. 

I live with Shame in my every day life. We all probably do. I take too much responsibility for things that aren’t in my control, and not enough responsibility for things that are. I am always self regulating and self evaluating. The house wasn’t cleaned today: Failure. You didn’t play with your babies all day long: Failure. You didn’t try to get a job and be worth something: super failure. Shame can be debilitating, because it invites it’s friend anxiety over to the party. 

I didn’t only fail myself, I failed my family. I have failed my mom. I have failed myself. Shame keeps me in this spiral of thinking. Forever and forever. 

So, it’s no wonder that I feel shame when I see my stash of yarn. I self medicate with shopping. I spent a lot of money on yarn. A lot. Like got into credit card debt lot. Like thousands of dollars lot. Now, I understand that a lot of knitters understand the need for a well cultivated stash. But when I was in the throes of PPD, getting mail was the one thing that could keep me from going over the deep end. But when that happens, you just dig yourself deeper. I tried to hide the stash from my husband. I couldn’t. Eventually the truth comes out. We must all account for what we’ve done. I didn’t only fail myself, I failed my family. I have failed my mom. I have failed myself. Shame keeps me in this spiral of thinking. Forever and forever. 

This is a part of the reason that I am working through my stash this year. To examine this shame. To get at it’s root and break it’s cycle. 

Do you feel shame when you spend money on yarn? 
Do you feel like your stash isn’t good enough and you always need to keep getting new things? 

Something we can all do is examine the why. Why do we feel these things? Why aren’t are things “good enough”? Where does it come from? How do we fix it? 

This week while were knitting in our stashes, I want us to approach these thoughts with some gentle self-awareness. If you feel shame because you have a large stash there is probably a deeper cause. Examine this without self-judgement. Avoid negative self-talk and approach yourself with radical self-acceptance. Feel free to comment here or on Instagram about what you’re learning about your shame. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey. 


Spruce Knits Stash Project.

Apparently I have a lot of yarn. 

Apparently I have so much that I could probably knit an entire year’s worth of garments without looking up and buying anything. 

Apparently I should use this as an opportunity to do good in the world. 

So I am launching my Stash Project, apparently. 

Here are my rules: 
*Knit Stash Only yarn from June 17th 2018 to June 17th 2019
*Write about my struggles (because they’re going to be real) 
*Write up stash busting patterns for those of you who also want to quell your stash. 
*Donate my yarn budget to charity- especially since the world needs me to spend more doing good than it does me acquiring more yarn. 
*Read more books that help me check my privilege. 

I would love it if you could join me. The last few days/ weeks/ months/ years, I’ve been feeling incredibly useless to change the current wrong that’s happening in the world. I write to help, but I often feel like a non-contributor. I am angry. Something has to be done. This is one small way I can make myself feel like I am doing SOMETHING. Jesus, anything. So I am sitting here, reading good books that allow me to check my privilege, and understanding that I have so much I can do. I can write, I can read, I can knit, I can give. I have a voice. I have talent. 

Right now I don’t have the lifestyle that allows me to give the way I want and acquire yarn the way I want. If you do have the freedom in your life, please please do both- and buy from independent dyers. My patterns are both yarn buying enabling and stash busting. 

Now you might wonder why reading is a part of this project. Well, it wouldn’t be worth it to me if I didn’t learn something else in the process. Simply, I love reading, but it’s more than that. I want to make sure that I am learning how to be a better human to other humans. The only way to do that is to study the voices in the margins. My book choices will be from diverse voices in order for me to understand a perspective that is not mine. This is the whole point of the project; to move out of my comfort zone in order to give others some comfort. We do these things to learn how to be human. 

If you’re interested, follow me by using the hashtag #SpruceKnitsStashProject. 

The rules for you: 
*Use your stash (all yarn you buy is your stash, so the parameters are pretty large) 
*Knit for yourself or others
*Give something of yourself. Whether you donate, volunteer or just generally be a decent human being to those around you. Be a good neighbor. 
*Show me what you’re reading. Show me you’re learning. 

I hope that you join me. 

Lets do better. 


Cultivating a Summer Reading List

Summer is here, my friends, wether we like it or not. I’m not a fan, but I know that a lot of my friends are. I also know that a lot of them ask me for reading recommendations for the summer. I haven’t been able to use my brain for Literature in about 3 years, so it feels good to go through the stacks and shuffle books around looking for that one (or twelve) to collect and read. 

I don’t get a lot of down time these days (I didn’t back then either, but it was basically my job to read in a library and write about it). My babies are getting old enough where they are able to fend for themselves for a few minutes so I can sit down and take a gander at what the world outside my little bubble is doing. My brain is in dire need of nutrition in the form of words. Talking to people above the age of 2 has been a chore lately, and I can’t seem to form normal human sentences in the spoken form. Sure, I can translate 2 year old gibberish to you, but can I translate my own? 

Anyway, that’s why it’s important to me to be able to read this summer. I’ve become practically giddy with excitement to be able to pick a stack of books out of a bookstore and dive in. I’m hungry for reading. When we’re hungry for reading it’s easy to make the stack bigger than we can handle. I know that I need to pace myself and categorize what I want to read, so I’ll share with you how I am cultivating my summer reading list this year. 

What kind of books do I want to read? When you’re out there trying to decide what to read, really think about how you want to interact with the book this summer. Do you want an escapist beach read? (Hey! They’re important!) Or do you want something a little meatier, something more meaningful, something you can learn from? (To be honest, all reads can be beach reads) How much reading do you want to try to get done? Do you have the time to hang out alone in a beer garden with a cold one and your book? (If only) Or are you going on vacation and have literally all day between snorkeling and drinks by the pool and dinner to read? Sometimes the best (and my favorite) way to pick out books is to just be set free in a bookstore for a few hours. (But I am trying to be intentional here) There are definitely a lot of different kind of books out there. And one book usually leads me to another, so my list might look different at the end of the summer than it does now. Here 4 genres that I am planning to read: (Links provided on the pictures)

Personal Development~ I think it’s important to never stop growing and learning. Here are some of my picks for this: 

Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth, and Happiness by Richard H. Thaler and Cass R. Sunstein.  Nobel Prize winner Richard H. Thaler and Harvard Law School professor Cass R. Sunstein show that no choice is ever presented to us in a neutral way, and that we are all susceptible to biases that can lead us to make bad decisions. But by knowing how people think, we can use sensible “choice architecture” to nudge people toward the best decisions for ourselves, our families, and our society, without restricting our freedom of choice. (Source: Goodreads

I heard about this book on the TED Radio Hour on NPR (Waves hi to Guy Ras) because that’s the nerd I am. Then we saw it at the Coop bookstore when we were in Cambridge last week. It felt like a sign, so we bought it and this is a book Dan and I are going to read and compare notes. I’m kind of excited. 

 The Mindful Art of Bird Watching

The Art of Mindful Birdwatching: Reflections on Freedom and Being by Claire Thompson, reveals how the practice of mindfulness enriches our birdwatching experiences – and explores how birds are, in turn, the ideal inspiration for the practice of mindfulness. To Claire, bird flight is a symbol of freedom to soar through life without constraint, and mindfulness similarly enables us to invite freedom and happiness into our own lives. (Source: Goodreads) 

I am a fan of Terry Tempest Williams and this seems to be somewhat similar. As a person who loves to connect with nature wherever I am, I am looking forward to this book as a resource. 

Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner. We live in one of the most connected times on earth but never before have we been so lonely and alienated from each other, from ourselves, and from the natural world. Whether this manifests as having difficulty finding community, feeling anxiety about our worthiness and place in the world, or simply feeling disconnected, the absence of belonging is the great silent wound of our times. (Source: Goodreads) 

I’ve picked up a bunch of books on the idea of belonging recently. I don’t know if its because we move around a lot and I’m having an existential crisis, if I don’t feel like I fit into any kind of faith community and I am having an existential crisis, or if I am just being existentialist. What I do know is that I have been feeling rather alone lately and this book has been a balm on my weathered soul. 

Professional Development~ I am far from a pro at anything, (Except Literature- I earned that title) It’s important for me to remain motivated in my life as a freelance designer and writer. These books help me maintain that motivation. 

Language and Silence: Essays on Language, Literature, and the Inhuman by George Steiner

This is an important text on how to interpret your writing in a political style. As a writer who is becoming more and more political, its important for me to be able to learn to read between the lines of others’ work and my own. 

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamont

This is a re-read. I seriously love Anne Lamont (even with her problematic dreadlocked hair). This book is about writing, live, and letting go of perfectionism. Letting go of things that stop us from writing, wether the object is the mountain of work that it seems to be, or the fear that no one will like what we have to say. I am addicted to acceptance, (see above “Belonging”) so, one of my biggest blocks to writing is that no one will read me. This book is a good reminder to breathe and let the story come out. 

A Knitters Home Companion: A Heartwarming Collection of Stories, Patterns, and Recipes by Michelle Edwards

Knitting is a large part of my personal and professional life. I love these kinds of books that bring the craft to the home. I also love bringing it outside of the home into the light of story. I am looking forward to the patterns and recipes too. 


Fiction (Literature)~ Fiction opens doors to new experiences that we would have otherwise not had. I know that it’s a cliche statement, but it’s true. It helps us understand others. Here are some exciting stories I am reading this summer. 

How to Walk Away is Katherine Center at her very best: an utterly charming, hopeful, and romantic novel that will capture reader’s hearts with every page. (Source: Goodreads) 

This is from the author of Happiness for Beginners which was a lovely story that I read in New Jersey after I had graduated with my B.A. I am excited for this because it seems to be even more… emotional? This is a story about love and resilience. Personal resilience. I love a good “walk away stronger” book. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng explores the weight of long-held secrets and the ferocious pull of motherhood-and the danger of believing that planning and following the rules can avert disaster, or heartbreak. (Source: Goodreads) 

I’ve been wanting to read Celeste Ng for a long time. I haven’t been able to get my hands on Everything I Never Told You, but I did finally buy this one. I have to say, so far, it’s pretty incredible. 

Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward: Rich with Ward’s distinctive, lyrical language, Sing, Unburied, Sing brings the archetypal road novel into rural twenty-first century America. It is a majestic new work from an extraordinary and singular author. (Source: Goodreads) 

You guys, you guys. This book. I couldn’t wait for summer to start it. I read half in one night. I will probably read the other half tonight. It’s part Beloved part As I Lay Dying in some sense. About a family that needs to come to terms with their own past, their extraordinary gifts, and each other.  I am in love with this book. Jesmyn Ward is probably the Toni Morrison of the 21st century. I don’t say that lightly. (Also, has the potential to be a snot bomb, keep the tissues close) 

The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey is about an older childless couple who move away from family to avoid those nagging “why can’t you have a baby” looks and accusations. One day, a child shows up in front of them and their lives are turned upside down. 

This could very well be a 5 alarm snot bomb. An old couple drifting away from each other until a child comes into their lives. How will it end? I am almost afraid to find out. Since becoming a mother, I can’t handle things where bad things happen to children. I am hopeful since the ratings are favorable. 

Activism~ I mean— if you know me you know that this is where my passion is. This summer I am listening to the voices in the margins and learning where I can do better as a person in the world. I want books that speak truth to power and point out the blind spots that I’ve built up in my life. 

I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown. 
For readers who have engaged with America’s legacy on race through the writing of Ta-Nehisi Coates and Michael Eric Dyson, I’m Still Here is an illuminating look at how white, middle-class, Evangelicalism has participated in an era of rising racial hostility, inviting the reader to confront apathy, recognize God’s ongoing work in the world, and discover how blackness–if we let it–can save us all. (Source: Goodreads) 

So… This should probably be at the tippy top of the list. This is the book I should be shouting from the rooftops that everyone should read. I am about to start it and I know I am going to be humbled and shaken. It’s time. 

All the Women in My Family Sing: An Anthology by Women of Color edited by Deborah Santana is a vital collection of prose and poetry whose topics range from the pressures of being the vice-president of a Fortune 500 Company, to escaping the killing fields of Cambodia, to the struggles inside immigration, identity, romance, and self-worth. These brief, trenchant essays capture the aspirations and wisdom of women of color as they exercise autonomy, creativity, and dignity and build bridges to heal the brokenness in today’s turbulent world. (Source: Goodreads) 

This will probably belong in my wheelhouse as a foundational book. I love women’s voices. I love voices of those we tend to look over or ignore. I love the purpose of this work, to make space for voices of color in publishing. I’m excited to read these. As a motherless daughter, I am always searching for that feminine voice. 

Dear Madam President: An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Run the World by Jennifer Palmieri. Framed as an empowering letter from former Hillary Clinton Communications Director Jennifer Palmieri to the first woman president, and by extension, to all women working to succeed in any field, Dear Madam President is filled with forward-thinking, practical advice for all women who are determined to seize control of their lives-from boardroom to living room. (Source: Goodreads) 

I’ve been holding onto this one. The election in 2016 took a lot out of me. My own mother died the day after the election, right after Hilary Clinton conceded defeat, right after I told her that a woman was going to be president soon. The disappointment and grief was real. The fact that I, again let my mom down (a fiery feminist who would have hated the current white house resident) and the grief that I had to live through this while she got the sweet escape of non-existence. There was so much grief. I’m ready now to embrace my power and make this world a place that my mother would want to live in. Make this place habitable for my sons, and everyone they see. 

What are you reading this summer? What has you excited?