I don’t know why this feels like an unnecessarily hard thing to do. But every time I try, I feel like I break out in sadness.
I am not a stranger to, nor am I afraid of, hard feelings. They teach me something new every time I experience them. So why then does this makes me depressed? Why is it so hard to just show up for myself?
I’ve been thinking about it, and this post is a working thesis on why it seems impossible for me.
Its hard to show up when I feel like I’m Not Worth It
I mean, that’s probably the crux of the problem right there. I’ve lived my entire life telling myself that I’m not worth anything. I’ve internalized every punishment, every criticism and magnified them.
Worthlessness one of those goddam core beliefs that seems to want to weasel its way back into me every time I get better.
I’ve been having nightmares of high school recently- I think a part of the problem is I see my high school self from the outside now. On the outside she looked way more together than she felt. In fact, she was probably a pillar of strength for a lot of people- but at the same time she didn’t have anyone to lean on in return. Only a lot of dashed hopes and teenage angst.
She was told she was worthless without a job. She wasn’t allowed to have negative emotions about her life, because that would be selfish, and yet, she had to absorb everyone else’s bad feelings and give some kind of balm to the problem within her family. So the spiral of shame and codependency started. When someone wouldn’t love her she turned that on herself and doubled it, saying “yes I know Im the worst, please agree with me”.
When I think of her I feel deep love- unfiltered love. God, I wish I could tell my past self that she is worth everything. That she wasn’t as awkward and strange as she thought she was and that some people were just assholes who needed someone to make fun of; that she didn’t have to internalize their torture. (And to get over that guy already, he wasn’t interested and you really don’t need him– you were way out of his league anyway)
When you show up, you have to force yourself to see that you’re actually worth the hard things in life that you work for every day. That you’re worth beauty. That your dreams matter. That you have talent. That you deserve good things.
When you see the kid version of you from the outside and you would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS think the things you thought about anyone else! Not even your biggest bullies and abusers, why would you think that of you? Why on earth would you give your bullies and abusers more ammo against you?
A part of the reason that showing up for yourself is hard is that we have to realize all the ways that we’ve been toxic and abusive to ourselves. How allowing this negative self thinking has led you to the really frustrating work you have to go through now in order to fucking move on.
How are you neglecting yourself because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of good things?
Here’s a hard truth:
You deserve a good life. You deserve to show up for yourself. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and stable. YOU DESERVE TO TRY YOUR DREAMS. It’s so hard, but guess what, you’re worth it.