Hello all! I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am alive. Ha.
Wow, what a year.
The pandemic is still out there, but we are finally starting to see some relief with the vaccines being rolled out. (It’s been two weeks since my last shot and WOOOHOOOO. YAY SCIENCE)
I am not going to lie, it was difficult to find hope this year. Oof. I would be lying if I said I still have a lot of hope for whatever the future is supposed to look like. What is normal and will I ever be able to go back out to it. I feel feral. Am I typing real words or is this gibberish due to lack of socialization?
It’s been quiet here at Spruce Knits. Mostly because knitting has been at a minimum. I haven’t even been writing. Sometimes the world is just too much. There is too much going on and things we love have to take a step back.
That was certainly the case for 2020. With COVID and the unrest that comes from living in a racist police state (oof) life felt and still feels unbearable. In a lot of ways, it felt like my adding my voice would just make more noise. While we were lucky that we escaped a COVID illness, the weight of the responsibility to take care of ourselves and others felt heavy. There are smarter people than me making more sense. So I’ve kept it to myself and tried to amplify the voices of reason whenever I found them.
When things get heavy it’s okay to take a break.
We sometimes forget that self compassion is still compassion. That we can’t give love and light if we don’t feel those things for ourselves.
So, I took a big break. I napped when my children napped, I homeshooled, I didn’t keep my house clean to the point that I say it’s clean. Taking a break is difficult when you’re used to going and going and going. When your identity depends on being busy all the time.
The monsters that being busy kept out of my mind were free to roam, and I had to learn how to live with myself. I had to learn how to live with my family and be ME. Not the person that I try to be when I am around them. It’s really difficult to be your authentic self on a good day (at least it is for me). During a pandemic when you are around your family every minute of every day… it’s almost impossible. And now, my authentic self is tired of being brushed back because of fear.
This year has forced me to relearn how to love myself. I can’t be a good friend to anyone if I can’t love myself first. I can’t be all there for my family, if I can’t be all there for myself either.
So it’s been a year. A year to read and think and feel the (really difficult) feelings. A year to understand what I stand for and what I won’t tolerate. A year to hold myself and be a safe space for myself.
Knitting is slowly coming back. Writing is slowly coming back. My voice sounds different. Older. Wiser, I hope. There is going to be less fear when I speak. There is going to definitely be way more nerdy things like musical theatre and Supernatural and Manga (I can’t help it) those things bring me joy. I am not even sorry.
Now the next hard part will be talking to people out in the world again when the pandemic is officially over. EEk.