It’s been October for nineteen days.
Can October please slow down so I can savor it?
Also can there be more hours in the day so I can do all the things? That would be fabulous.
A lot of knitting has been going on here, but not a lot of pattern writing. I want to say that I am having writers block, and maybe I do. However, I haven’t stopped designing. Just the whole writing sh*t down part is hard. Perhaps I have college english major inspired fear or something. Not quite PTSD, but close. Once you sit down to write… the fear and self loathing come out to play. I am sure that Anne Lemont had something to say about this phenomenon, but I am too tired to look up that reference. (Sorry)
October has been pretty freaking amazing though all things considering. I’ve knit all the things this fall so far. It’s been fabulous. I am working on a longer version of my Forestry Shawl, a new pattern for a pair of socks, and I have a bunch of things in my mind that I want to do. The excitement is so thick I can taste it. It also helps that the weather is amazing. Bring on the rainy cold days please. They are a balm to the crust in my soul.
In actual pattern writing news, I just got a new software to help me with charting. This is the part that really throws me especially for the more complicated patterns that I have in my head. I mean, it’s not like it’s rocket science, but this challenge is often something that I don’t have the brain cells for at the end of the day. If I do try to tackle something like this, my one year old misses out on amazing things like “the wheels on the bus go round and round” and “old mcdonald had a farm” and learning important things like how to identify your head from your feet and not eating dog poop when we go outside to clean said disgustingness. See… brain cells feel like they’re falling off of my head at great speeds. I am fighting the good fight, I know. It’s more important to have raise a human who knows how to count to three, than it is to write for a little while during my peak performance times. (That’s from about 2-6 pm if anyone’s wondering… I am one of those special people who aren’t morning people, nor are we night owls.) So the chart learning has gone excruciatingly slow. However, this is what I want to do with my life, or at least part of what I want to do with my life, so I have to figure out something and fast.
In postpartum depression news, I’ve been much better. I am finally feeling more and more like myself as the days go by. The change of season is helpful, summer is a big bummer for me, so having the sun go down earlier has been so nice. A couple of months ago though, I finally took whatever I had left of myself, changed my doctor, and found one who would help me through this. We are on a care plan that’s been great for me. This has probably been the best thing I’ve done for myself in terms of mental health. The first day that I had zero anxiety (read zilch, nada, none, the opposite of things) was probably one of the best days of my life. If only for the fact that I felt physically lighter, the weight that I had been carrying around finally lifted. It was weird and incredible. So I hope that we continue on this track. I am a little afraid that I will lose some of the spark within me, some of the poetry. However, for now, it’s enough to just be able to breathe without the knot in my gut. For those of you who are thinking about needing to see someone for depression/anxiety, go. If you feel like you might need some help, you probably do. And getting help doesn’t make you weak. (Also: do something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful… sometimes self care is what makes a day worth it)
Look for more from me soon. I need test knitters on lots of things. I always need testers.
Knit some good out there friends.
