I’ve been in a funk lately. I think that using the word “funk” is putting it mildly though. Really it’s been a downward spiral of intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk. It doesn’t help to be in a new place without really knowing anyone, without a decent job, while your spouse gets to travel the world and be a general rock star and you get to sit here covered in body fluids (and you’re too scared to ask witch ones) while that degree that you’re paying for is collecting dust somewhere and you’re wondering what the hell happened to your body and when it’s coming back. Hell that degree can’t even keep you from run-on sentences; so you must know that something is wrong with the balance of your life.
I have so many ideas for stay at home work that I am beginning to sound like that loser uncle you meet at holidays who always has “something” going on, but it never really amounts to anything. Ugh, I am so that loser uncle. Truth be told though, I don’t exactly have a lot of time during the day to get things done. I have a nine month old who thinks sleep is for the dead.
Have you sensed that my posts recently have a theme? I really need to pull myself together.
Mindful knitting helps me here. By practicing mindfulness while I knit on something I am capable of removing my brain from the spiral of negativity and allow myself a break from whatever it is that I have going on. As a person who places my self value in what I am doing and contributing financially to the house, I can easily fall into these negative spirals if I am not careful. Especially since freelance work is so hard to come by and daycare is so expensive.
Mindful knitting, gives me blocks of time to just sit and exist. I can take as little of as much of it as I need. As long as I don’t allow the negativity to come into my block of time. Instead, I practice self care and self love. In a way it’s a lot like meditating. During my block of time, I focus on something positive or light. I allow myself to feel pain and hurt from my own negativity, but I am not allowed to be negative during these times. Sometimes I pick a word to focus on. I can pick a word (a positive word) like beauty. And meditate on things that remind me of that word. Beauty: Nature, the shore, the moonlight, my sons smile and radiant happiness, my ability to care for him, my body, the love my husband has for my son, the love my husband has for me and so on.
I’ve been doing this sort of knitting for years, but I’ve never been really serious about it until recently. Right now I am making a quilt out of small blocks of squares to do exactly this. I can take as short or as long of a time as I need since each square takes about 10 minutes to make, and in the end, I am going to have a quilt that’s full of positivity and I can use to shelter myself when life becomes hard. Because it will. It’s just the nature of this beast we call living.
I don’t have a pattern for it, but I want it to look like one of those star quilts that are so familiar to me. If you feel you want to join me, let me know. I can fill you in on what I am doing, the point is that it’s easy and basically mindless. We could get a KAL going if enough people are interested and I can write down the basics pretty quickly.