I am actually knitting and blogging!! This shouldn’t be amazing, because I shouldn’t ignore the things I love so much. But for the first time in months, I have my peace back. And just enough personal confidence back to write again. So Hello! 🙂
In the midst of the craze of grad school and the holiday season, I feel like I missed out on so much. I am a little sad that I didn’t get to truly savor the holiday season because of multiple deadlines and my lack of personal time management. This is my favorite time of year, and this year it felt so rushed. There was SO MUCH going on. I don’t remember being ever this busy, even when I worked as an undergrad. Grad school is, of course, fabulous and I love going to class and reading all the things. The irony is that I hate (with the heat of a thousand suns) paper writing. I hate it so much that the thought of doing any other kind of writing sounds awful. At least it’s my explanation for neglecting this place for three months. However, it’s the truth.
Grad school has a way of chewing you up and spitting you out, vulnerable and naked on a busy sidewalk like flavorless gum, leaving you out in the real world only to be stepped on by someone more confident and successful than you because they didn’t go to your graduate school and realize that knowledge is a fickle beast, the more you learn, the more you realize how much you don’t know about anything.
I feel like I’ve neglected so much of myself in order to pursue this sort of unattainable perfection. This semester took over my brain. It became a time of desperate survival, day to day. I forgot my passions. I couldn’t even tell you what I want to do after all this is over. Even as I tried to rebel by knitting in the class where my teacher made some kind of joking remark on the intelligence of the “knitting ladies” of the Regency era, I had trouble finding my peace. (We can’t all be the Elizabeth Bennets! Okay! Maybe some of us are desperate Marys trying to our best here, and always misunderstood!… (Sorry I needed that tantrum))
Grad school is meant to be stressful, though. It is meant to consume you, if it doesn’t you’re not doing it right. Especially for the English major. We get to know authors, critics and characters and have to place them together in an intricate web of words and thoughts. It can be, in a way, like knitting. Difficult lace knitting. Either you make something beautiful in the end, or it looks like you struggled. But it’s yours and dammit you worked hard on that project.
For everything there is a season. Grad school will be stressful, especially since pretty much all English majors are neurotic. At least I am in good company, since we all think we suck, even though we know we don’t really.
This weekend was enjoyable. The knitting worked out and I was able to make something beautiful. It’s been a while since I could fall fully into my knitting without needing to think about something else.
This is peace.
Merry 4th Day of Christmas. I hope that this season brings you peace.